If Only
by crysthur and artheph
Summary: If only Orochimaru had never existed. If only Sasuke had never gone to Orochimaru. If only...Sasuke REBELLED AGAINST OROCHIMARU? Just some wishful thinking... hint: there's some ultra hidden secret romance in here. look hard.


Authors' note: Okay. So a couple of weeks ago, we were oh so bored and decided to go look at some of those manga chapters. And we happened to stumble across those few chapters where Sasuke and Naruto have their big, huge fight. Sasuke was so horribly uglified, it wasn't even funny. The Sasuke we saw in those few chapters traumatized us so. We were scarred. We were marred. We were disturbed, upset, shocked. Any adjective that means anything remotely like that could have been used to describe us. In fact, we were so very (insert adjective of your choice that means something like traumatized) that we just HAD to fix the situation ourselves. Which is how this story developed and blossomed and BLOOMED into all its glory. We seriously had a whole crapload of fun writing this. It caused us to snort and chortle and make all sorts of odd sounds. We hope it makes you make odd sounds as well. Enjoy.

-Crysthur and Artheph

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Sasuke smirked. The opponent he had to assassinate for Orochimaru was officially ...smite-ed. Okay, so yeah, Sasuke had to reach level two with his curse seal and turn into that horrible demonic THING he becomes with the FLUFFY overly large white hair, the purple star that looks like a flesh wound, ogre-like and crooked fang teeth, and those HORRIBLE PTERODACTYL SCALY, BONEY WINGS THAT PROTRUDE FROM HIS BACK. But hey, the fight was over, and Sasuke had won. That's all that matters, right? WRONG. So very wrong.

Sasuke reached the door to Orochimaru's secret hideout lair. Which was actually located in...you guessed it, the nose of Hokage Number Two. To be more exact, the nose on Hokage Number Two's huge-mongous face carved into the mountain in Konoha. Yep. And to get inside of the lair, one has to actually climb up the left nostril. I'm sure you're asking your computer screen, "Why in the world would Orochimaru, who, let me remind you, is currently an S-ranked criminal and is being sought after by every ninja, have his lair located RIGHT in Konoha??" Well, who in the WORLD would think of looking inside a NOSE of a CARVED FACE on a MOUNTAIN? Yeah, and you can bet that every single day, Orochimaru condescendingly laughs at the view of Konoha from the hole in Hokage Number Two's eyebrow.

Anyway, Sasuke strolled into the lair, down the hallway, and into his generic-looking room, which only had a bed, a closet, and, of course, a mirror. He then stopped in front of his mirror, and BOY, was he READY FOR HIS DAILY NARCISSISTIC EVALUATION OF HIS SMOTHERING HOT LOOKS!! Everyday, at around this time, Sasuke would look at his reflection in the mirror and chuckle to himself about how much better he looked than EVERY other one of Orochimaru's croonies. However, unfortunately for Sasuke, today he forgot to transform from his HORRIBLE DEMONIC FORM into his regular sexy self.

"GASP!!!!!! HOLY HELL!! WHAT THE MOTHER HAS HAPPENED TO ME?"

Needless to say, his reflection greatly surprised him. Apparently, Sasuke had never seen himself when the curse seal reached level two.

"EFFING A!! WHAT IS THIS? I'M ...I'M...I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORDS!!"

Yes, Sasuke was trying to say...he's...he's...UGLY. Hell, he's FUGLY.

"OROCHIMARU!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! YOU'VE RID ME OF MY OH SO SEXINESS THAT ALL THE GIRLS SWOON OVER! MY ONE CHARACTERISTIC THAT IS MY OWN ONLY! I AM SO **OFFENDED**!! NOT ONLY DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE A SLAVE AND MAKE INDECENT ADVANCES AT TIMES, BUT NOW...NOW!! YOU MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS!!"

Sasuke shook his fist at his incredibly ugly and traumatizing reflection.

"MARK MY WORDS, YOU SICKENING, PALE-SKINNED FREAK! YOU ARE...YOU ARE..."

And because Sasuke could think of nothing else to say, though it was rather childish, he ended with, "YOU ARE SO GOING DOWN!!"

After one last death glare at the disgusting image looking back at him, Sasuke stomped off towards Orochimaru's room. An ugly aura surrounded him. Not only was the aura ugly because of his image, but also because of his foul mood. But mostly because he was indeed really UGLY.

Sasuke slammed the door open and was about to rip out a LONG, INSULTING RANT at Orochimaru when he realized he was intruding on something very precious.

"Orochimaru-sama, please move to the right a little."

"Mmrffghh."

"Orochimaru-sama, don't worry. I won't hurt you!" Kabuto chuckled.

"Mmrfghaw."

"Oh, Orochimaru-sama, you crack me up!"

"Mfaehw."

Kabuto looked up from his two-times-a-day-cleaning-of-Orochimaru's-extremely-disgusting-and-dirty-and-long-tongue.

"Oh, hello, Sasuke! What are you doing here?"

"Err..."

This was the first time Sasuke had stumbled upon this uncomfortable situation. Orochimaru was sitting on his bed, his useless arms plopped nearby. Kabuto was holding Orochimaru's nasty and traumatizingly lengthy tongue with his left hand and was scrubbing it with a toothbrush, lathered with special tongue-disinfecting-toothpaste.

"Krenqhe asrejh alqwirp."

"No, I'm sure that's not right, Orochimaru-sama. Sasuke is a little bit more intelligent than THAT, I'd dare say."

"What'd he say?"

"Oh, Orochimaru-sama is just being a joker. He said that you came in to FIGHT him! Hahaha! Like YOU could beat him! Even in his rather useless state!"

Kabuto chortled in a snobby, rich-person laugh. His glasses reflected the bedside candle's light and shone eerily.

THAT riled up Sasuke. First, Orochimaru had guessed CORRECTLY as to what Sasuke HAD come into the room for. Second, Kabuto had just totally SNUBBED him. Sasuke was furious now, not only at the pale-skinned freak of Orochimaru, but also at his ever-loyal minion, Kabuto. Sasuke was READY FOR BATTLE.

"Oh yeah? OH YEAH? I DID COME IN TO FIGHT!! OROCHIMARU YOU NASTY BASTARD, YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE THIS!! THIS UGLY, DEFORMED THING!! THING!!! I'M A THING NOW!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! YOU ARE SOOO GOING DOWN...NOW!!"

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow and probably would have bust up laughing had his tongue not been held by Kabuto. Instead, Kabuto started hysterically laughing.

"YOU?? SASUKE? Beat OROCHIMARU-SAMA? HAHAHAAH!! Oh, you are HILARIOUS!"

"Kerwlqh, alerehw biem."

"Yes, of course, Orochimaru-sama."

"Ahem. Sasuke, I take you up on your offer. We shall fight."

Orochimaru had been waiting for this opportunity to come for a while now. He knew Sasuke would become rebellious. So, Orochimaru, being the genius sannin that he is, decided to take this as a chance to WHOLLY smite Sasuke and HUMBLE him into following Orochimaru's every whim. Much like Kabuto. Orochimaru chuckled inside. Everything was going according to plan. And his tongue was all nice and clean too!

"WAIT! But...but...you can't fight NOW!"

Orochimaru glared at Kabuto. This was the first time ever that Kabuto had denied him something. "WHAT did you just say, Kabuto?"

Kabuto shrunk from the tone of Orochimaru's voice, which was already all evil and such. But with the added coldness, it was ...evil AND cold AND such.

"But I just...VACUUMED the lair!! You can't just dirty it all up right after I cleaned it!" Kabuto pouted.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Sometimes Kabuto could be so high-strung. "Fine. Let's just VAMOOSH into an empty field."

"OK!" Kabuto excitedly agreed.

Orochimaru responded by VAMOOSHING instantly. Sasuke followed. Kabuto first tidied up the bed covers and WAS ABOUT TO VAMOOSH himself into thin air as well when he noticed that the jars with all of Orochimaru-sama's ingredients that he needed for his evil experiments were getting dusty. So he grabbed his little Swiffer Duster and proceeded to rectify this little discrepancy.

Sasuke was ready to whup some ass. Right off the bat, he formed his little hand seals and shouted,

"**KATON GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!!**"as he took a deep breath and his chest puffed up with air in that odd way he has. Blowing the air out, a HUGE RAGING INFERNO was unleashed. After the smoke cleared, Sasuke looked around. To his chagrin, Orochimaru was still standing, not a thread of his clothes singed. It wasn't even because he had used his awesome sannin-ness to move really fast and DODGE the raging inferno. He hadn't even moved. He was standing in the same exact spot. Sasuke had just... missed. Horribly.

"Ku ku ku." Orochimaru chuckled his oh so evil chuckle.

"Your aim is horrible. It amuses me to no end."

And for no reason at all, he stuck his tongue out and waved it around in the air. Sasuke was completely disgusted by this. And he was in some deep trouble. Pretty soon, after Orochimaru was done... displaying that tongue of his, he was gonna send that tongue after HIM. Sasuke had already let it touch him once in the forest during the chuunin exam... and once was enough. That thing was gross. Beyond belief. Even if Kabuto had just cleaned it. Just thinking about all the things Orochimaru did with that tongue of his made him sick.

"_Crap, crap, crap... how am I going to get out of this one?_" Sasuke thought wildly. Luckily for him, the next five minutes proved to be the most amazingly ridiculous five minutes ever. True, Sasuke's big ol' raging inferno had not harmed any part of Orochimaru... but it had destroyed much of the vegetation around the place, which was now burning to its death. But the important part of this is that whilst Orochimaru was busy swing his tongue to and fro in the air, a tiny little ember from one of these flames got caught in the draft created by Orochimaru's swinging tongue. It traveled in the wind... slowly, slowly... and landed ever so gently in the creepy man's hair.

For a second, nothing happened. Then...

**FWOOM!!!**

Orochimaru's hair lit up and BURST into flames. Now, we don't know if you've noticed it, but Orochimaru has some serious hair issues. It just... LOOKS as if it would be all stringy and greasy. So, when this little ember landed ever so gently on Orochimaru's head, it was like a chain reaction. Every single strand of his hair immediately LIT ON FIRE, just from the SHEER GREASINESS OF IT ALL. Needless to say, Orochimaru began panicking. He shrieked. Many abnormal sounds that do not sound like they could POSSIBLY come out from the throat of any human being were emitted. He ran around with his useless arms flailing around behind him like... well, like a man whose head was on fire. Which he was.

From a couple of miles away in the lair, Kabuto twitched. His Orochimaru-sama radar was picking something up. He put his dusting aside for a moment and focused intently. Yes... something was definitely wrong. He felt ... a disturbance in the force. Faster than the speed of light, Kabuto made his way out of Hokage Number Two's left nostril and to his master's side... and was horrified by what he saw.

"OROCHIMARU-SAMA!!!" he screamed. The object of his complete loyalty and adoration was running around screaming with his head on fire.

"KABUTO!!!" Orochimaru hissed. "DO SOMETHING!!! MY HAIR!!! MY HEAD!!! IT'S BURNING!!! AGHHHH!!!"

Kabuto looked around wildly. He looked down at his abdomen. No, the amazing regenerative abilities of his abdominal cells would do him no good this time. Kabuto began to panic. He had no idea what to do. To make things worse, his precious Orochimaru-sama was shouting obscenities at him. Extremely frazzled and confused, Kabuto did the first thing that came to his mind. He formed a couple of hand seals and shouted, "**ARMADILLO NO JUTSU!!**" In a poof of air, Kabuto disappeared... and in his place stood an armadillo. A little, yellow armadillo. Like those ones in the Donkey Kong Country games. The ones that roll around. And you jump on them. And they DIE... Yes, this is yet another reason why Orochimaru likes Kabuto so much. He has the wondrous ability to transform into an armadillo. Obviously this ability of his has got to be good for something... or else it'd just be plain stupid... but yes, Kabuto CAN transform into an armadillo. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

So anyways, the transformation of Kabuto into armadillo caused two things: 1) Sasuke, who had just managed to pick himself off the floor after laughing uproariously as he watched Orochimaru run around screaming with his head on fire, fell right back down on the floor in yet another fit of laughter. 2) Orochimaru paused in his running around screaming with his head on fire and stared at the meek little armadillo in front of him, who promptly curled up into a ball and began rolling weakly around in circles. If his head wasn't already on fire, Orochimaru would have probably popped a couple of blood vessels at the stupidity that lay before him.

"YOU FOOL!!! WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO??? CHANGE BACK YOU IDIOT!!!"

In another poof of air, Kabuto was back. Orochimaru continued to run around screaming with his head on fire. Kabuto contemplated the predicament they found themselves in. Suddenly, a brilliant idea struck him. If the situation had not been so dire and had not required immediate attention, he would have spared a couple of seconds and chuckled to himself. But as it was...

"OROCHIMARU-SAMA, I'VE GOT IT! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!!!"

Now, at this time, Orochimaru's running around screaming with his head on fire had brought him quite close to where Kabuto was standing. When he heard Kabuto yell, he SWUNG around to face him... and ACCIDENTALLY swung those useless arms of his in Kabuto's general direction. For a second, Kabuto merely stood there. Then, blood splattered. He was smitten. For this is what happens when Orochimaru swings his arms in your general direction. Blood splatters. You are smitten. You die. In Kabuto's case, there was a small gap between being smitten and dying. In this small gap, he fell down to his knees.

"Oro... wheeze wheeze... chi... wheeze wheeze... .... wheeze... sama... wheeze... wheeze... you must... wheeze.... wheeze..."

But at this moment, Kabuto expired. Instead of telling Orochimaru those three words that would have probably fixed everything, he had spent his last few breaths saying Orochimaru's ridiculously long five-syllable name PLUS the two syllables with the –sama added at the end. He was smote. Orochimaru had smote him dead.

Orochimaru probably would have reacted to Kabuto's tragic death in some way. Alas, whatever way that is, we shall never know, for at this very second, Orochimaru had a thought that caused him to laugh.

"Ku ku ku... what am I worrying about?? I'm freaking immortal. I'll just, do my little brilliant evil forbidden jutsu and MOVE myself to ANOTHER body. Since Kabuto is right there... I suppose I shall have to use his body... even though he is slightly unattractive..."

In thinking about Kabuto, he suddenly remembered the two pathetic excuses for arms hanging at his sides. But before he could say anything else, the fire on his head had finally reached his scalp. The most peculiar thing began to happen. Once the fire touched his actual skin... he just started melting.

"DAMN YOU SA-RU-TO-BI SENSEI!!! DAMN YOU!!!" where his last words before he melted into a flaming, still greasy puddle of glop.

Sasuke watched all this from about twenty feet away.

"_Damn. I'm good._" He smirked. For a while, Sasuke pondered on what he was to do next. He considered going after Itachi... after all, it WAS his life's goal to kill that brother of his... But then he realized that he was going to have to pull out his level two curse seal in order to do that, and to be honest, Sasuke really did not feel like showing the world that horrifically ugly side of himself ever again. So instead, he went back to Konoha and spent the rest of his days basking in his sexified sexiness. Which is the way it should have been from the very beginning.

**THE END**

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Authors' END note: YES, we KNOW the characters are EVER so out-of-character. I mean, Sasuke is just so pompous and narcissistic, Kabuto is like this rich, snobby, chuckling idiot, and Orochimaru...is merely horribly ugly. WE KNOW. But GOSH, we HATE HATE HATE Orochimaru and Kabuto. We wish they'd be mashed by an elephant. Orochimaru... Kabuto... shakes fist OH...we WERE gonna parody-ize the sannin fight, along with Kabuto fighting Naruto. But...pokes Shikamaru Shikamaru sighs and says, "But, it was too troublesome. Feh, why must I say that EVERYTIME?" Cause it's just ever so sexy when you say it Shikamaru!! swoons Shikamaru shakes his head in exasperation. Cough cough. Sorry, just had to add that in. HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR LIL PARODY!

Oh, and by the by, did you NOT see the romance that was so OBVIOUSLY blossoming between Sasuke and Sakura?? DUH.


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